take this cup

soundcheck: if (bread)
if a face could launch a thousand ships,
then where am i to go?

i feel like i'm in a vacuum now, like no matter how hard i try or what i do, i stuck.. today was another win, but the scoreline did no justice to pjc.. honestly, i think we only deserved a draw.. but that's besides the pt.. i know that coach is alr giving me alot of concessions, playing me in matches i have no right to be playing in, and obviously i want to take my chances.. but i have utterly no idea what to do, or why i can't take my chances for that matter.. i feel like i'm letting down not just coach, mrsoh, but myself too.. and this feeling sucks, this feeling of knowing something is really wrong, and yet not know how to fix it.. but of course, as always, today brought a few positives as well.. pe relay was confidence-boosting, and it's always fantastic to catch up with yr first intake best friend, even if he's yr foe on the pitch..

digressing a little, the more i try not to think abt this damn vacuum, the more i feel sucked in.. no matter, i have to thank huiting, matt and martin from the bottom of the heart, for trying to lift me.. but really, no disrespect to them, but i just need someone else in my corner.. damn.. for what it's worth, today's events brought to mind a particular conv..

mike wynchell: " ever feel cursed, coach? like, no matter what, inside your heart, you feel like you gonna lose. like something's hanging over you, following you..? like you can't win? i feel like that all the time. even when things are going good, when we're winning, it's there. when we're losing, it's there"

gary gaines: " well, it took me a long time to realise that, there ain't much difference btwn winning and losing, except for how the outside world treats you. but inside you it's all abt the same. y'know? it really is. fact of the matter is, i believe that, our only curses are the ones that are self-imposed. you kow what i'm saying? like how we all dig our own holes."
please, someone, help me find that shovel..

quote of the day: "Abba Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what i will, but what you will."